What would Stelios say?

Having managed to skive last week's additional appointment, I skip up the stairs to the JC, greeting Man Mountain and Mr In-Tray with a breezy good morning.

The waiting area is quite empty, apart from a couple of stoic souls, who, (judging by the way they all keep looking at their watches) have been kept waiting for some time. It's unclear why this should be. I count the desks.

Desk One, empty.
Desk Two, Adorable Emma, but not seeing punters, she's answering the 'phone. Gosh, this is a first.
Desk Three, a youngish lad. Solid build, looks eager.
Desk Four, double-take. It's Crumpled Brenda, in black again. I expect this will now be her Monday outfit for the next six months.
Desk Five, empty.
Desk Six, can't see, but there's no mistaking the delicious corruption of those vowels. That has to be Zsa Zsa, obviously down for emergency cover again.

Whilst waiting, I tune into Adorable Emma's conversation. Well, you can't help yourself, really. She seems to be advising someone who has a legitimate reason for having to rearrange their signing-on. It sounds like they have secured an interview, something you think would result in champagne corks popping and congratulations all round. Apparently not, as this inteferes with the bureaucratic function of the DWP and is Not On. "You will have to come in for a 'Sit & Wait' appointment" says Emma. As opposed to a Sit & Wait & Wait & Wait appointment like the rest of us then? I'll have one of those, please.

The eager young man calls my name and I find myself sitting across from Sean*, who, I establish, has only been working here 9 weeks and LOVES it! Loves it, loves it. It's great to meet someone so happy in their role. He came from banking, apparently. Well, sombody has to.

I tell Sean that I have the opportunity to work (unpaid) with a local company, who will train me in their sector, give me valuable skills and, if I work out, there could well be a job for me at the end of it. I will keep within the 16 hours per week allowed, so I just need to inform him, I think? Pause. Long pause. "Oh, I don't know about that", he says, and rises to consult Zsa Zsa. After a few minutes I notice Mr In-Tray is also in the fray. A 3-way conversation about me, but not with me. Nice.

Sean comes back. "No, you can't do that, it has to be for a registered charity, not a commercial company". Really? That's a blow. Well, what would happen if I took this offer up? They would sign me off, apparently. No more NI contributions, no more ABI1 form. Bugger all.

What about making this a Work Trial then? I know the DWP sponsors those? Sean, again, shuffles off to consult Mr In-Tray, who, this time, comes across to the desk to deliver the negative news. No they won't.

So, Mr In-Tray, let me re-cap here -

No, I can't do unpaid work.
No, if I do it I won't get my NI contribution paid.
No, if I do it I won't get my ABI1 form signed.
No, they won't make this a Work Trial.

I ask him what happened to the spirit of enterprise that made this country great? How on earth did all those Dragons get into their Den? He has the grace to concede that The System does not exactly encourage endeavour and initiative. As if The System was a beast of autonomous, uncontrollable nature, as opposed to a man-made disaster.

Swallowing my disappointment I move onto the accredited training available for this new role I have been looking at. I pass over all the details and ask if the DWP would part-fund this investment in my future? (I only ask as I know of someone who has had their very expensive PRINCE2 certification co-funded, so it's worth a punt). At last, Sean feels like he can be positive and says that although he can't advise, he'll make an appointment with Linda* on the Mysterious First Floor, as she's the one who can tell me everything about what's available. Hurrah! I leave with an appointment for tomorrow morning.

Yes, I know two visits in two days will take stamina, but for the goal of funded training, I can do this.

Bidding a cheery adieu to Man Mountain, I tell him he'll see me again tomorrow. Oh, no he won't. He's off for the next 6 weeks, working as a steward on various sports fixtures, here and on the Continent.

I wonder if I'll still be a visitor here, when he returns?

*Names have been changed