Harrison Ford never had this problem...

I am in search of the Holy Grail, the ABI1 form. I cannot wait till my next sign-on as that will be too late for my mortgage payment to be paid by the insurance company. Not sure whether I can just turn up on-spec or whether an appointment is necessary, but knowing the bureaucracy of the DWP I suspect the latter. I decide to 'phone, as I have the local number for my JC.

Alas, a disembodied voice informs me that the number has been changed to an 0845 number, which I know, with a sinking heart, equals call-centre hell. Gathering all my paperwork around me, I dial the number. The call is eventually answered by a very harassed lady who, once I have explained my quest, asks me what JC I need to be referred to. She puts me through.

Assuming I am now talking to my local JC, I launch into my request. I am asked what JC I want. This throws me, so I confirm. "I'll put you through". Hmmmmmm.

I go through the identical conversation with the next person who answers. Seems she's not my local JC either. I ask her if I can just call in for the form, or do I need to make an appointment? She very nicely explains that every JC is different, so cannot say. But, "I'll put you through".

Not sure how, but I next talk to Robbie, who has a very strong Glaswegian accent. He's not at my local JC either and is baffled as to how I ended up with him. "I'll put you through".

The next lady isn't my local JC either. I tell her she is the fifth person I have been put through to and I'm still not in the right place. "Sounds like the kind of day I'm having" she mutters, not unkindly.

I'm so close with the next lady. She announces the name of her JC which is like mine (well, the first three letters are the same) but is, in fact, in completely the wrong part of the country. "Oh dear", she says, sympathetically, "this is happening all the time with people wanting your JC". I ask her if she can put me through to the one I want. It seems not. I must start again with the 0845 number.

I put the phone down and start the head-swinging that distressed polar bears often do in captivity. It suggests inner torment. I can confirm that it does, but that the head swinging does, in fact, help.